Humour

A selection of articles for future publication in 'Turning up the Heat' - the sequel to 'Taking The Heat'...

CRISIS – SO WHAT’S NEW?

Finally, at Casa Desolada, we have learnt about the international credit crunch. Evidentally, there is a worldwide economic crisis that is bringing the globe to its knees and one so bad that everyone´s lives will be affected. Or so we have picked up from local village gossip.

I had a feeling that things were taking a turn for the worse when the only cigarettes I could extract from our local bar were Ducados. These are are so strong that your lifetime is probably instantly reduced by half after only a few puffs. Their presence, as the only cigarettes available in our pueblo, is a sure sign that times are hard and that the Mayor feels the need to reduce the local population quickly. Whilst I can see where he’s coming from, surely there must be kinder forms of euthanasia?

Nonetheless, I have been told that I must take the international credit crisis seriously and, as head of my household, I recently decided to advise my family of the impending doom heading our way. This, obviously, had to be done with sensitivity, so as not to frighten the children and, far more importantly, my wife. The latter, like myself, has a particular sensitivity to the words ‘credit’ and ‘crunch’ – particularly when used together. Which, in our case, they invariably are.

It is not that we are, in any way, averse to credit. Not at all. We have always considered it a Good Thing and one to be used to the full. The trouble is that our bankers long ago classified lending to us as ‘toxic’ before moving onto the better bet of ‘derivatives’. Frankly, had I been given the choice, I would have done the same thing. After all, there is at least some chance of getting your money back from a decaying shack in Alabama owned by an itinerant Mexican gypsy - even if the shack is mortgaged to several times its true value and the owner has never worked.

But, it is quite another thing to retrieve your investment when it ends up as a simply staggering amount of fashionable clothing, pots, pans and other miscellaneous household items. I should know. For years, I have been the one on market stalls trying to reduce my losses by selling unwanted items following one of my wife’s rampant shopping expeditions. To be honest, getting rid of ‘derivatives’ for a good profit is child’s play by comparison.

That said, my family reacted to my notification of world economic problems without batting an eyelid. Perhaps, used to the perilous nature of our family finances, they consider international economic problems a somewhat abstract concept. However, the same could not be said about their concern for the impending property crash. This has been something that all of us have suspected for some time – albeit that we have not raised the subject together before.

The trouble is that, despite my best efforts, Casa Desolada still appears ruinous and ready at any time to disappear down our hillside. I suppose we should have suspected something was amiss, when we were urged by our estate agent not to close the front door too hard nor to have more than two people at a time on the first floor. But how can our problems have extended elsewhere? I am not certain - but we are all taking the warnings of the property crash seriously and now sleep outside.

In the meantime, I am appealing to the government and various world bodies for money. Unless I have misunderstood things badly, it seems that you can obtain millions of Euros if you have financial problems – even if it is your own fault. This is great news and I only wish I had known about it before. My wife is delighted and already planning with our daughter what she describes as an ‘Epic’. This, I gather, will be the mother of all shopping expeditions and is, she tells me, generously aimed at ‘kick-starting’ the economy. Certainly, I can think of no-one better qualified to do this and I am seriously thinking of hiring her out to various countries where consumer spending has dropped.

Hard times ahead? I think not. There is free money to be had and a fortune to be made...

BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

At last, I can date my wife’s enthusiam for serious rock climbing to a particular day. It was then that she seemed to find a passion that, over the past two years, has only become more intense with time. In fact, I cannot remember her ever having being so keen on any outdoor activity before.

At the slightest hint of free time, I will see her preparing sandwiches and a thermos of coffee, whilst all around her are ropes, karabiners and multi-coloured slings. A rucksack will be at her feet, together with treadless climbing boots and a guide to the most extreme ‘pitches’ in Spain. The only item missing will be a helmet, which she avows is only for ‘flossies’, takes up too much room and, anyway, is the wrong colour.

Meanwhile, there are numerous telephone calls as I overhear her discuss, in heart-stopping detail, various terrifying rock faces with vertiginous drops that would make experienced mountaineers dizzy. Inwardly, I shudder as conditions are analysed in labourious detail to make sure that the day’s climbing will ‘push the envelope’ to the absolute limit. Typically, not for a moment will she allow any compromise and it is frighteningly clear that 'it' is all about going right to the ‘edge’ and, more worryingly - beyond. Whatever that means.

The trouble is, unfortunately, it is not my wife that goes climbing but me. Worse still, I go with a friend of her’s who is a softly spoken Cumbrian capable of climbing inverted polished glass whilst completing a Rubik’s Cube. With the strength of an ox, my climbing partner, Bill, has fingers the width of my thumb, flowing long, blonde hair and a devotion to appallingly difficult climbs that turn me into a gibbering wreck.

In fact, of course, I end up climbing very little, having developed a somewhat novel technique. Generally, I start well enough and rise to a good few metres above ground level in an impressively committed manner. However, accidentally glancing down, I invariably notice how tiny are the cars below (mere pinpricks) and realise my folly and the utter desperation of my situation.

Fainting from sheer fear, I then rely upon Bill to haul me up the route whilst I dangle helplessly at the end of our rope.

Once at the top of some precipitous pinnacle, I normally regain consciousness sufficiently to appreciate the magnificent view - before fainting again at the dreadful prospect of the return journey. Bill likens climbing with me to hauling a huge bag of potatoes around the mountains of Spain. This is unkind but, I have to say, probably extremely accurate.

Actually, everything is safer than it sounds. Well, it would be - were it not reliant upon two imponderables, one much greater than the other. The minor one is the integrity of my elderly and rather frayed rope, which does give me cause for some concern on the rare moments that I am conscious. However, it is the second factor that is far more worrying. Namely my wife. Which brings me on to the precise date of my entrance into this masochistic ‘sport’.

If I am correct (and I have now checked this several times), my wife’s enthusiasm for climbing goes back to an up-grade on my life insurance. It had been a perfectly acceptable 2,000 Euros, which I had reckoned was more than enough to fund a decent party upon my sudden demise. However, for reasons better known to herself, my wife insisted that I increase this manyfold. In fact, I am now insured, curiously enough, for exactly the showroom price (including registration, metallic red colouring and all ancillary fees) as a brand new, open topped Mazda MX5.

I would like to think that all of this was mere co-incidence but I recall well my wife’s acute disappointment after I refused, point blank to take up deep sea diving, base jumping or the opportunity of a two week activity holiday with the Taleban. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with my marriage but if you see a merry widow whistling past you in a gleaming sports car then think of me – and, more importantly, immediately reduce your own life insurance policies.